FTFU & Laser Cats

Why hello there everyone!  It’s another beautiful day here in Kiryat Tivon, Israel.  It’s 70 and sunny with a chance of sunshine and rainbows.   The birds are humming, the people are “oying” and the shekels are ching chinging.  (SONG AND DANCE NUMBER…. GO)  “Oh it’s another lovely day here in Israel… the sun is shining ohhh so bright… It’s another lovely day here in the motherland… can’t see a cloud in site…  (BIG CHEESEY SMILE LOOKING AT CAMERA)  Well, the people are smiling, the cats are meowing, everyone is gay (happy)… oh what… oh what…. Oh what a beautiful dayyyyyyyy”  …. And SCENE!

Okay… I’m back.  I needed to have a moment of pure and utter happiness.  This past week has been such a challenge that I thought I would actually write a positive post.  As ironic as it may be, my internet, cable and hot water all shut off the moment I started writing… YIPPY!  Yet, I’m not gonna let it bring me down today.  I am in a good mood.  Hence, the show tune intro.

Today, I’m going to write about a few interesting things I have seen here in Israel.  First off, there are cats everywhere.  Literally.  I think the number of cats may actually outnumber the number of people.  You look at a tree, CAT!  You look in a bush, CAT!  You notice something moving in the gym, it’s a CAT!  You see a car moving past you, might be a cat driving.  I mean, look at that picture!  I think they are real-life laser cats. That picture has not been enhanced at all.  I have a sneaking suspicion these cats are high trained secret weapons for the Israeli Army.  This country obviously didn’t have Price Is Right because no one followed Bob Barker’s advice and got their cats spayed or neutered.    And talk about “cat ladies.” Holy shit.Tilly, our neighborhood cat woman, makes all other cat ladies in the world look like cheap wannabes.  I think her life mission is developing a cat colony that will eventually take over all of Palestine.   She was outside today feeding her little precious’s when I noticed a bit of cat food on her side lip.  Yep, she tested the food before feeding; just like any good mother would I guess.  I can only imagine what is in cat food here considering the humans eat the chicken brain, turkey heart, and cow throat.  I walked by one house that had between 20-30 cats sitting out front.   I tried taking a picture but was afraid a monstrous size kitty would jump at me and rip me to shreds.   It has been that kind of week.

The second thing I have noticed is the aggressive use of hand gestures.  One, in particular, means “wait” or “hold on one second”.  The funny part about these specific gestures is that in all other cultures, it would mean, and I say this lightly “F*CK you” or “F*CK off”.  I have come to describe this gesture as the “Finger Touch F*** U”. .. Or the “FTFU” if you will.  When you start talking to someone here if they don’t want to respond with words… BAM… FTFU!  “Excuse me miss, where is the bathroom?”  BAM FTFU.  “Sir, do you have tape?”  BAM… FTFU.  I mean, is it so hard to say “One-second dear” or “I’ll be right with you”.  Do you have to shove your fingers at me like I’m bugging you?   I’m not sure if I am describing this well but it’s a weird concept for the American’s here.   I forgot to mention the look they give with the gesture.  It’s a sort of “Gosh, can’t you see I’m doing something that I feel is much more important.  I’ll deal with you whenever I feel like it.”  It’s subtle, yet aggressive. 

Thirdly, I want to introduce everyone to my 20-year-old roommate Noam.  Noam is a character, to say the least.  He is one of a kind.  And by one of a kind, I mean, a mix between Mike “The Situation”, Dennis Rodman, the dancer from LMFAO with the box on his head, Rachel Ray, and an aggressive yet lovable real-life teddy bear.   Noam is as cocky as The Situation, as agro as Rodman on the court, as pop-and-lock as the Party Rock dancer, as gentle in the kitchen cooking feasts as Mrs. Ray, and hibernates every few hours like a bear.  Today for lunch he whipped up a homemade vodka sauce, made with zucchini and eggplant to put over “the best f*cking gnocchi in all the land” – as he so eloquently put it.  On the side were roasted zucchini, mushroom, and eggplant in light olive oil, garlic drizzle.   During the cooking session, I routinely heard “I am the best” “I am better than everyone else” and my personal favorite “I am the mother f*cking man”.  Classic Noam. 

Okay, quick question.  How much would you pay for these wall decorations? $20? $30? Would you even go up to $50?  Well, I paid about $1500 for them.  What can I say…I just fell in love!  From the moment I saw those elegant elephants and that sun shining sun, I was hooked.   I bartered my way up from $17 to a solid $1500+.  How do you say?  Why do you say? Well, the funny thing is that this wall décor was the reason Nicolette and I went to Yafo in the first place.  As I’m sure everyone knows, while in Yafo, our car was broken into and our computers, passports, cash, and jewelry was stolen.   Hence, these stupid wall rugs costs us a lot for then we bargained for.  Sweet.

It’s kind of funny I haven’t even mentioned the amazing adventures Nicolette and I had while she was here.  Since we are discussing positives, I shall delve a bit into our 10 days… well, 9 ½ days of awesomeness.  Nic got here on a Monday.  I thought she was getting here the Sunday before so I had practice rearranged so I could pick her up.  With the date error I had to pay someone go get her all the way in Tel Aviv.  The next 9 days were a whirlwind as we explored basically the whole country.  We traveled to Jerusalem to see the old city and Western Wall, went to the Dead Sea to float, went to Mount Masada to see the kingdom, and went to the Golan Heights to see the Sea of Galilee.  In between the bigger trips, we made small journeys to Tiberius, the Baha’i Garden’s, Caesarea, and seemingly ever gas station in the country.  Btw - gas is about $9 a gallon here… awesome!

Half of the time we spent in the car was us trying to figure out where we were.  My phone’s GPS decided not to show or speak turn by turn directions so we were left to use the phone’s map.  It was so 2005.  The non GPS style was actually invigorating at times and very frustrating at others.   Our scariest mishap was trying to go from Jerusalem to the Dead Sea.  We spent about 45 minutes trying to find a specific road and somehow ended up across a large wall into an Arabic village.  We knew we weren’t in the right place when we approached a traffic stop with army guards holding assault rifles.  They let us through but we didn’t know where to go next.  We decided to keep moving even though we were on the wrong side of “the wall”.  Around Jerusalem, they have build protective walls extending the entire city to help prevent terrorist threats.  With the wall to our right and Jerusalem behind it, we knew we were in an interesting situation.   We stopped at a truck stop and started following tour buses that were obviously headed in the right direction.  Luckily, we quickly found the correct road and continued to the Dead Sea.  

One quick and amazing story.  This is actually a story from when I was in Israel last May on Birthright.  When we visited the Western Wall aka The Wailing Wall.  It's known at the Wailing Wall because Jews from all over the world come to the wall to pray and most of them start to cry.  Anyways, it is possibly the most spiritual place on the planet and has a very intense energy. In a nutshell, it is very positive as it's the holiness spot in Israel and it also has negative energy, as it's the reason why there is conflict in Israel.  When you approach the wall, you write down prayers on a piece of paper and stick it in the wall.  It is thought to provide you with a direct link to "God".  I had a very intense moment while there for the first time in May.  I stepped close to the wall and placed my head gently on the stone.  My mind became very clear and I started praying.  I made a quick prayer and stepped away.  My quick prayer had been over 20 minutes.  I had no sense of time as I dove deep into it's presence.  When Nic and I were there this time, I had a similar experience but not as extreme.  The energy field there is amazing as you can see in this picture Nicolette took of me.  You can actually sense the presence of the energy in this photo!